Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
You Might Also Like
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Happens to everyone.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.