Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
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One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.