Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.