Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Spider-cat: No One Home
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?