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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
🙋♀️
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷