I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters