Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
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Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Potatoes were such a good idea
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?