*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?