[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
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[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks