Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Not my job 😂
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here