Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates