Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You Might Also Like
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Woke up against my better judgement again
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
so weird how every mom was born today
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374