Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
When I laugh on my period
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist