What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.