[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
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Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Pickled cat.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.