i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Europe. Made in Germany.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes