My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Cool shirt 🙂