[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Sheep
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said