I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food