Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Saw online –
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Woke up against my better judgment again