In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”