Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.