I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
relationship goals
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.