Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
You Might Also Like
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword