Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.