Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie