My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.