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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
The struggle is real
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion