[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Where’s my employee discount too?