Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Yoga Matt
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.