No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.