God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
SPLOOT