Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You Might Also Like
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
meow
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead