My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Grandmother clock.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.