I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim