{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Who does Amazon think I am?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.