Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Rather alarming headline…
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.