Eggs benadryl my favourite
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.