It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”