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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead