Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo