Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You Might Also Like
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Thanks to a fan for this one.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.