When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted