*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song