I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Oh boy, $150,000!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
How do dragons blow out candles?