Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.