COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”