Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
wtf is an acronym
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely