Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”