[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.